Dilemma

My two girls (7 and 6) want to sew their own dresses. At this point the paper pattern has been cut. Now I'm a bit indecisive. Should I let them make all the possible mistakes and learn (perhaps to never ever try again) or should I let them do only those things I know they either can or I know the mistakes wont be impossible to correct?

We've done some dresses before. I did the cutting and steering while the child pushed the pedal on the sewing machine. But at the time our designs weren't as elaborate as now. I'm leaning towards cutting the fabric and having them put the pins and doing the sewing the same way as before. I admit, I'm a bit scared of them sewing their fingers if I let them do it all alone.

The trouble is, my kids are a lot like me. The older girl especially. Like me golfing. Or sewing. Or doing any other thing. Even when I know how badly I do it, I want to do it my way. I'm not good at listening to "let me show how it's done". And when I do badly, I get upset. And then easily give up. (I'm not a perfectionist, when I say badly I really mean badly, not oops, the straight line is not straight for one centimetre.

I really hope we all can enjoy this sewing experience. And perhaps even create something wearable.

No right answer

I've followed an interesting discussion about minor sex offenders in US. I understand systems are very different in many ways and is for sure one reason why some things are hard to understand from my perspective.

In US a minor sex offender, after therapist etc evaluation, can be allowed to go to a normal school. It means that perhaps the head master is informed about the situation and some precausions are taken, but not all the teachers and definately not the students and parents know what the new kid has done - or perhaps in some cases allegedly done.

Sexual offense is always serious. It's always horrible. We have way too low and small consequences for rape. It's never right.

The debate is about should or should not everyone be notified what a minor offender has done. I understand people want to know to protect their children. They want to say: Never go near this boy, never speak to him, shout if he tries to contact you... (of course it could be a girl, but talking about a boy here, because they seem to be the majority). But then, shouldn't the principles of causiousness be taught anyway, regarding anyone. How plausible it really is that something horrible happens at school by a fellowstudent? If the child has had horrible experiences himself, which has caused him to do something horrible, there still is hope that he can heal, he can be "healed". If he's done something once, it doesn't automatically mean he's going to it again. But if everyone knows and he knows everyone knows, he doesn't really have any other choice than to be what everyone thinks he is. It's more likely he'll do something wrong again, either to others or to himself. I think everyone deserves a chance. Even when it may be risky.

Note - I am talking about minors, I don't think all the same principles apply to adults - I wouldn't allow an adult sex offender work in a school.

We do need to protect our children. But at the same time, all children need protection, from different things. All children are as valuable - even when they do horrible things. Usually it really isn't because they are evil but because evil things have happened to them.

And unfortunately there are false accusations and minor offenses (don't know about them legally, but I can see something that would here cause only a raising of an eyebrow to be considered as rather horrible in the US) that really can ruin a child's life when there really isn't a need for it.

If something bad happens to my children, it would be horrible. It would be hard to get over it. I would think really hard if I didn't do my job as a parent well enough. If I'm partly at fault. But bad things happen in this world. One can get over those with professional help. As horrible as it would be, I couldn't still allow myself to say that everyone in the school needs to know the new kid is a sex offender. Or that the parents need to know that some kid in the school is a sex offender. Whether it was a serious offense or a minor offense or a false accusation.

Selityksen makua

Eilen taas havahduin. Ovelleni tuli nainen Yhteisvastuukeräyksen merkeissä. Vastasin hänelle, että annan lahjoituksia omalle kirkolleni ilmaistessani, etten osallistu tähän keräykseen tällä kertaa. Kyllähän se piti paikkaansa. Mutta se oli selitys. Syy miksei lippaaseen tippunut yhtään ropoa, oli se, ettei talossa ollut käteistä (no ehkä jonkun takin taskun pohjalta olisi voinut jotain löytyä) ja tilikin näytti alle kymmentä euroa. Selittelyä siis.

Kun minulta kysytään kotiäitiydestä, aionkin vielä olla pitkäänkin, helposti olen vastannut, että kyllä, koska olen opettaja, ja tuntuisi tyhmältä mennä paimentamaan kolmeakymmentä toisten lasta eikä olla omien lasten kanssa. Tottahan sekin on. Mutta se ei ole se todellinen syy, vaan syy on se, että uskon ja koen, että lapsilleni on parhaaksi se, että olen kotona heidän kanssaan. Sen lisäksi haluan olla siinä määrin mukana lasteni elämässä, että siihen kuluu aikaa, jota työssä käyden ei olisi.

Kun vieraita tulee kylään, hyvin helposti sanon, että pahoittelen tätä sekasotkua, ei ole ollut aikaa siivota niin tarkasti. Kyllähän sekin pitää paikkansa. Mutta todellinen syy on se, että aikaa toki on ollut ihan sama määrä kuin kaikilla muillakin, mutta olen mielummin käyttänyt sen johonkin muuhun kuin kunnon puunaamiseen.

Miksi sitä selittelee? Vastaa kysymyksiin kertomatta todellista syytä, olettaen, että todellisen syyn kertoessaan kuulija ajattelee -  jotain.

Koska itselle on niin helppoa selitellä, onko se yhtä tavallista lapselle? Onko se ensimmäinen vastaus, jonka kuulee lapsen suusta todellakin se pohjimmainen ajatus, vaiko se, mitä lapsi sanoo, jottei vanhempi ajattele - jotain. Kuinka hyvin sitä ihan oikeasti tuntee lastaan?

Perfection

I know people who call themselves perfectionists. I'm not one of them. I know we all should strive for perfection - to be as good human beings as possible, in a philosophical or religious sense. I do strive for it but don't get too down when I fail - which I do all the time.

I think perfection may have gotten too big of a role in our societies. I know, perfection is nice. Who wouldn't want to look perfect, have a perfect house, have a perfect job, have perfect children and of course, have a perfect spouse... Perfect life would be wonderful. But at what cost should we strive for perfection.

I confess, I'm too lazy to do many things I could and probably should. I don't want to pay the prize, whether it's real money or something else.

I think it used to be more that it was the famous celebrities who tried to be so very perfect. At least on areas which are seen. I'm sure there has always been mothers who have perfected the art of needlework or household chores. I'm sure there's also been plenty of those who have done their best and thought it perfect because they really haven't had a chance to compare.

Now we have the internet full of examples of perfect lives or certain areas of lives. If nothing else there are blogs about perfect looking homes, perfect looking mothers, perfect looking children, sometimes even perfect looking husbands. All of those even often in one and same blog. Then we have blogs of perfect nature friendly living people, perfect child rearers, perfect cooks, perfect skinny cake makers... Not to mention all the tv shows about perfect lives.

Does anyone anymore settle for average, ok or I can live with this? I know everyone knows those blog keepers' lives really aren't perfect - right? We may tell that to ourselves to make us feel better, but still there might be a nagging feeling, that perhaps their life really is perfect. Perhaps it's something that so many people have attained, but not me. Perhaps there's something very wrong with me...

Just read an article written by a mother who's son committed a suicide at the age of 26. Everyone thought he had a good life. Perhaps many even thought it was perfect. There's about 1000 people in Finland per year, of whom is known for sure that they've committed suicide. That's about 1000 too many. I know there are so many reasons for it, it's never black and white. But I have a feeling that this kind of strive for perfection, as individuals in this society, isn't something that will help the number to decrease. Our strive for perfection in being a better person would. Because then we would notice each individual, care and act. Hopefully before it's too late.

Today's observations

As background, no news to those of you who know me, I'm the "sit still and behave" -type. At home kids may do all sorts, but even then I try to keep their voices low. Running is fine, shouting is not.

Today daughter started an art course at school. 10 times every Friday for 10 kids, taught by a real artist. Absolutely fantastic. (I hope. Was a bit disappointed that today's task was self portrait. In any way you like. Like it's the first thing kids do in preschool, school etc, so many times...) We had been told to wait on a certain area in the school building. Someone would come and get the kids and we adults there could ask questions. The area is situated "in between" - between the building with classrooms and the building with gym and dining area. There were 4 firstgraders- all girls -, three older girls and three thirdgrade boys. We all waited for some 10 minutes (who gets there right in time?). The boys were fooling around a bit, not running, not shouting. The vice headmistress comes and tells the boys to behave. Suggests (trying to command) the boys to go outside and wait. Soon comes the person to pick up the little artists and she tells that from now on they'll all have to wait outside.

What?  I'm fine with waiting outside. No problem with that. But I do have a problem that basically the boys were told that they are behaving badly, when in my opinion they weren't. Like said, my criteria is quite strict. They were being kids and being "punished" for it.

First, I think it's great they had the gut to come to an art class. It can be seen as a not boyish thing to do. They should be complimented for that, not told that if they don't behave they'll be kicked out - before nothing's really happened - and perhaps just because they're boys.

Second, no wonder kids are fat and don't exercise enough if even the slightest movement is considered bad and they're told to sit still and wait. After a school day. In a place where it cannot be a problem for anyone. Seriously.

I did voice my opinion, unfortunately wasn't quick enough to do it to the vice headmistress. I got this very broad explanation - as if I'd been the mother of the boys, though the lady knew I weren't. Had to explain that I am a teacher and still think the way I do.

Really, it's not easy to be a boy. Especially in school.

Blogielämää

Sain tällaisen tunnustuksen ystävältäni Jaanalta, joka on taiturimainen kakkujen tekijä ja pitää Taikakakku blogia, jossa jakaa tietojaan, kokemuksiaan ja kuvia ihanista luomuksistaan.

Olen ehkä vähän erakkoluonne. Vaikka pidänkin blogia, ja kaikki ovat tervetulleita lukemaan, en ole mielessäni liittynyt suureen blogiyhteisöön, jolle tällaiset tunnustukset ynnä muut ovat osa blogeihin liittyvää kulttuuria. Niinpä olen vähän ihmeissäni tämän kanssa, että mitä nyt...

Tähän tunnustukseen liittyy kolme vaatimusta: 1) kerro keneltä sait tunnustuksen ja linkitä hänet blogiisi, 2) kerro 7 random faktaa itsestäsi ja 3) jaa tunnustus eteenpäin 15 bloggaajalle. Ystäväni tavoin joudun myöntämään, etten lue niin montaa blogia, että voisin antaa tunnustuksen eteenpäin niin monelle. Suurin osa blogeista, joita seuraan silloin tällöin tai aktiivisemmin, on ystävieni tai tuttavieni kirjoittamia ja ei niin julkisia ehkä kuitenkaan. Ainoa, jota selkeästi useammin seuraan, ja joka on kaikinpuolin ihana, realistinen ja kaunis, on Anrinko -blogi, jolle siis tunnustuksen annan.

Mutta ne 7 random faktaa - nyt pyrin tosissani kertomaan sellaisia, joita nekään teistä ette tiedä, jotka oikeasti tunnette mut.

1. Pidän yöllä villasukkia jalassa, jäänyt päälle raskausajoista - tällä säällä on kolmet sukat päällekkäin. Kesällä voin olla ilman villasukkia.

2. Vedin kerran oppilaan alta tuolin ja hän tippui lattialle takapuolelleen.

3. Tykkään pelata shakkia silloin kun on aikaa ja vireystasoa keskittymiseen.

4. Olen pelannut jalkapalloa ja harrastanut telinevoimistelua.

5. Pidän puissa kiipeilystä.

6. Joskus tunnen sietämätöntä halua tehdä jotakin tyhmää, kuten piirtää jonossa edessä olevan ihmisen takkiin tussilla.

7. Rakastan jalapenoja.

No niin, tunnettepa nyt tätä blogistia hieman enemmän :-)

Thinking

This week our neighbours had a mother with two young children visiting them for a few days. The father of the family had just died in a car crash. A friend of a relative, man in his 40's, very healthy, in very good shape (quite well known athlete) had a heart attack just last week. He returned from skiing (cross country), said bye to his wife who left. She returned in a few moments to pick up something forgotten and found him lying on a floor. He has recovered -to a state of about a 10-year-old. Today I was driving and saw a man lying on the road next to his car, two people giving him CPR and an ambulance coming to rescue him.

Something can happen any time. We cannot live in a fear of something happening. But at times I really wish I'd realize how it all really can end any moment. It should affect how I treat people, especially my family. If these were the last words my kids hear from me, how would I feel? How would they feel? If I'd die today, would my children and spouse really know how much I love them and how important they are to me? If one in my family would die, would I be full of regrets or could I mourn peacefully?

Sometimes you just need to stop and think. What really matters? What really is important in this life?

Be quiet

When the child feels everyone is always accusing her, what do you do? When she sees and hears accusation and dislike in every word and tone? When she thinks she's not as good as others? Or doesn't get a fair treatment? When she just screams and shouts to others, because they don't do what she wants? When she thinks that no one likes to play with her? When she says she knows you love her, more than you can express, as much as every other child in the family, but she doesn't feel that? At least not at the moment.

Those moments I find really hard. Usually they come right after or at the time you've gone beyond the normal to do something extra special. When you think that now no one can complain, now I've been the perfect mum for a moment. You've thought you've succeeded for one small moment, and it all comes crumbling down. It's very hard not to behave the same way. Exclaim how no one in the family cares about me or what I try to do. How I'm not appreciated one bit. How I'm such a failure, a horrible mum.

We're still all learning. Often the only way a child can learn, is by example. Words aren't enough, though important. I'm trying to learn to be quiet when needed.

Election

Yesterday was the first election night, next one (voting between two candidates who got the most votes yesterday) will be in two weeks.

Voting really is hard. You can base your votes on so many aspects.

First of all, the "outward appearances" - not just looks, but gender, sexual orientation, interests, speaking skills, language skills, religion or party etc.

Secondly, the values and principles the candidate professes to have or has shown to have.

Thirdly, the accomplishments the candidate has on the professional field. Is s/he really capable of doing what a president should do and giving an image to the world we want the president to give.

Each person decides how much each aspect affects their decision. It depends on what the person wants from the president and how much power one thinks the president actually has.

The problem often is that the impressions we get from the candidates often are just that - impressions, not reality. Also they often may sound good and have good intentions, but the actions wont be there or will be totally different. Like in the case of the head of the social democrat party, Mr. Juholt, resigning in Sweden recently. There will never be a perfect candidate. In any country. Each candidate will make mistakes as a president. Each will most likely try their best as well.

The important thing is that we vote and we make a conscious vote. That we think why we vote the person we do. Hopefully our desicions are not based solely on one aspect or the fact that family/friends/someone else is voting for X. After all, though quite little, the president does have some power to lead a nation towards some direction. And we hope that direction to be a good one - one that eventually leads people closer to God, even if the president has no such agenda. All good things come from God so a president endorsing good things will be a tool in His hands. Whether s/he wants or not.

Mitä opettaa lapselle?

Kolmasluokkalainen oli luistelemassa. Halusi lyödä kiekkoa maaliin. Vapaana ei ollut yhtään maalia, mutta yhdessä oli vain lähes mies laukomassa mailalla. Poika odotti. Maali vapautui ja hän ehti muutaman kiekollisen laukoa, kun paikalle luisteli joukko muutamia vuosia isompia poikia, jotka sanomatta mitään omivat maalin ja alkoivat pelata.

Pojalla kiukku nousi, tilanteen epäreiluus ärsytti, mutta vähän aikaa yritti siinä samalla laukoa omaa kiekkoaan ja "pyysi" äidiltä apua.

Mitä opetat tällaisessa tilanteessa:

- Vanhempi auttaa aina vai ison pojan pitää jo itse hoitaa asiansa?

- Yhden on väistyttävä monen tieltä?

- Varo, ettei tule turpiin jos avaat suusi ja rupeat valittamaan asiasta?

- Elämä on epäreilu, opi hyväksymään se?

- Mutta siitä huolimatta on joku syy miksi kannattaa pyrkiä olemaan reilu ja ystävällinen ja toiset huomioon ottava, vaikkei koskaan saisikaan vastaavaa käytöstä takaisin osakseen?

- Tuntemasi kostonhimo on normaali/hyväksyttävä/ naurettava/huono juttu?

- Kohteliaisuus ja odottaminen ei kannata?

- Pärjätäksesi maailmassa on vaan opittava ottamaan se, minkä haluaa?

- Älä nyt, eihän kyseessä ollut iso asia? (eli lapselle tärkeät jutut ei ole oikeasti  tärkeitä)

- Käännä vain se toinen poski?

- Keksitäänpä jotain muuta kivaa tekemistä? (pahaa oloa ei kohdata)

Tai jotain ihan muuta. Tosiasia kun on, että aina reaktioillamme lapsi oppii jotakin. Sitä kun jaksaisi miettiä useammin, varsinkin ennen reagoimisiaan hankalissa tilanteissa, lopputulos saattaisi olla parempi.

Kiitollisuuden aihe

Jouluun asti käveltiin ekaluokkalaisen kanssa koulumatkaa aamuisin puoleen väliin asti ja tavattiin taas koulupäivän jälkeen suunnilleen puolessa välissä. Osana aamuista vietiin autolla koululle kun muun perheen aikataulu vaati autolla liikenteeseen lähtemistä siihen aikaan. Koulu oli evakossa toisen koulun tiloissa ja matka oli yli puolet pidempi kuin matka oikealle koulurakennukselle.

Ekaluokkalainen koki yksi kulkemisen todella kamalaksi eikä millään halunnut sitä tehdä. Yhtenä aamuna viikossa meni isoveljen kanssa samaa matkaa. Itse olen aina pitänyt itsestään selvänä, että ekaluokkalainen kävelee itse kouluun. Tämä ekaluokkalainen varsinkin on aina ollut kovin reipas monessa asiassa, joten en osannut moista reaktiota häneltä odottaa.

Nyt joulun jälkeen hän on kävellyt ihan yksin, paitsi sen kerran isoveljen kanssa. Ei ole ollut mitään ongelmia. Olihan hän siihen jo henkisesti valmistautunut koko syyslukukauden.

Toki olisi voinut syksyllä jo lapselle sanoa, että nyt kyllä kävelet yksin, olet jo iso ja pystyt siihen. Ja tuskin mitään suuria katastrofeja siitä olisi syntynyt. Pieniä varmasti kyllä. Olen ollutkin todella kiitollinen, että on ollut mahdollisuus toimia lapsen tarpeen mukaan. Kotiäitiyden parhaita puolia.

Gifts

In this family we like to sing. But we really can't sing. I'm the best and I think I've lost it too. I mean seriously, staying in tune is impossible for 5/6 in this family. And often for me too when we all sing, loud and competing who can finish the song first. Sometimes everyone may hit the right note. Or pitch. Or tempo. Or what ever. But regardless of all that, we sing a lot and enjoy it.

We perform happy birthdays for family and one Christmas we sang We wish you a Merry Chistmas to selected people. One of the kids suggested we'd sing something to the neighbours this year too. I had to say no. It's kind of cute and forgivable when all kids are under 5. I just can't let us perfom as such anymore. Because now we're also loud.

But the problem is this: kids don't understand we may sound some what horrible. They think they sing well. They know the words. You hear sounds coming out of them and it's not just one sound but different sounds.

And if you try bringing it up in any gentle way that actually we're not good at singing, it's not taken well. They just cannot comprehend it. Nor believe it. The oldest was comparing himself after some musical performance to two cousins and two friends. Who actually are pretty good singers. He sees himself as good as them, somewhere in between, worse than some and better than some. How do I tell him that no son, really, you're way beyond them all.

It's not that we value music so highly or that it's the meaning of life. For us parents, it's fine that we can't sing. We still sing and it brings joy to us. We just know that listening to us may not bring joy but pain to some others. You don't want purposely hurt your kids by telling your kids that they're wrong, they can't sing at all. But I don't want them grow up thinking they have this great talent in singing, because one day that illusion will disapper and the reality will hit. I hope that when it happens, they still continue to sing and enjoy singing.

I was always hoping that one singer gene in their ancestry (professional I hear) would have appeared in at least one of them. But perhaps it's better that they're all on the same level. And there's hope, that piano will produce the right sounds via their fingers. At least the girls play now with two hands, which is more than I can say about myself.

Kolikon kaksi puolta

Kaksi periaatetta, jotka ovat mielestäni tärkeitä. 1) Vanhemman tehtävä on olla lapsen puolustaja "maailmaa vastaan" - kun kaverit murjoo ja kaikki näyttää huonolta, vanhemmat ovat se, jotka vakuuttavat lapselle, että sinä olet hyvä, sinä olet riittävä, juuri sellaisena kuin olet. Vanhemmat tarvittaessa taistelevat lapsensa oikeuksien puolesta. 2) Kannattaa pitää mieli avoinna, sille, että minunkin lapseni saattaa tehdä jotakin, jota en uskoisi.

Joskus vain nämä kaksi periaatetta saattavat olla ristiriidassa ja silloin pitää yrittää tasapainoilla.

Keskustelin erään lapseni ystävän vanhemman kanssa tänään. Vanhempi on ollut hämmästyksissään eräästä lapsen todistuksessa olevan ruksin kohdasta. (Hämmästys ei ulottunut siihen, että omallani oli samassa kohdassa). Keskusteltuaan opettajan kanssa, hän kuuli opettajalta lapsella olevasta piirteestä, joka oli vaikuttanut arvosteluun. Ensireaktio luonnollisesti oli asian vähätteleminen, jossa vaiheessa en voinut olla mainitsematta, että itse asiassa kyseinen piirre on hyvin selkeästi esiin tuleva, ja olemme oman lapseni kanssa sitä joutuneet vuosien varrella useampaan otteeseen käsittelemään, koska se on aiheuttanut meillä kovasti pahaa mieltä. Vaikka oman lapseni virheet ovat tulleet usein keskusteluissa esiin hänen lapsensa ihmettelyjen puitteissa en ole rohjennut tuoda esiin tätä piirrettä, joka kenties joskus provosoi oman lapseni käytöstä.

Asia jäi selvästi vaivaamaan vanhempaa, ja keskustelussa löytyi puolusteluja sille, miksi moista käytöstä nykyajan elämässä, varsinkin työelämässä tarvitaan. Siinä sitten vähän omahyväisesti tuumailin, että toivottavasti itse olen valmiimpi näkemään lapsieni kasvunpaikkoja myös.

Ja sitten se kolikon kääntöpuoli, pian keskustelun aiheeksi tuli, kuinka lapseni ystävä oli ihmetellyt lapseni puheita liittyen uskontoon, joitain kuukausia sitten. Muistan lapseni kertoneen keskustelleen aiheesta ystävänsä kanssa, kertoneensa mitä kirkossa tekee ja ihmetelleensä, kuinka ystävä, joka on toisen uskonnon kuin ev.lut. tunnilla koulussa, ei kuitenkaan usko Jumalaan tai mihinkään siihen liittyvään. Kun kuulin, mitä lapseni ystävä oli kotonaan ihmetellyt oman lapseni puheista, en ollutkaan niin valmis hyväksymään asiaa... Toki noin teorian tasolla uskon, että oma lapseni on voinut sanoa mitä vain ja aina on vaikea tietää miten toinen on ymmärtänyt sanoman ja minkälaisena se kulkeutuu vanhemman korviin, mutta huomasin sanovani, että tuota en ihan purematta niele. Epäusko lapsen tuntien onko voinut käyttää sellaista kieltä, esittää sellaisia ajatuksia (mistä olisi ne saanut päähänsä) ja halu selittää itselle, ettei lapsi ole voinut käyttäytyä niin huonosti, epäsopivalla tavalla. Mutta ennen kaikkea ehkä kuitenkin halu väittää vastaan, puolustaa lastaan: minun lapseni ei ole aina se, josta löytyy vikaa. Minun lapseni ei ole huonompi.

Ehkä joskus oppii tasapainottelemaan näiden puolien kanssa silloin, kun ei ole tilaisuutta selvittää asioiden todellista laitaa. Mielummin kuitenkin ajattelee omastaan liian usein hyvää kuin aina pahaa ja löytää syyn omassaan.

I did it again

the nine year old son comes home from school, asks for an envelope. What size, what for I ask, and small one is enough. Then he continues to ask where are the free movie tickets he received for his birthday. (In this house it seems that I'm always asked where things are). I did not connect the two so said "why, what are you doing with them?" - in a voice "I don't want to give them to you to lose them". The secret is out, he was planning on giving them to me and his dad as Christmas present. Of course now that it all came out it wasn't such a surprise and tears came to his eyes. He had this great idea, because he really wants to give us something and he doesn't think these "happy children", "a back rub", "a good game with you" answers to his question "what would you like for Christmas" are good enough. He wants to give us something tangible, something he can buy with his money or give as a sacrifice (he really wants to go to the movies, he had already picked a movie to go see).

I explained that he doesn't need to give us his tickets, but his desire and willingness to give them was very touching and we appreciate it allready so much that the act itself is a great gift. What a spoiler I was. I wish I would have not spoiled his joy of his great idea. I know he didn't give up but is already planning something else.

But I think it just happens so many times with kids. Too many times. A child is doing something, which to you seems not so sensible, or is doing something other than you've asked him or her to do. You tell them sharply to do what you've asked or ask "what are you doing" in a tone of "what on earth are you doing" - to find in both cases that the child is doing something great, something he or she has thought that would make you or someone else in the family happy. But because of timing or you not seeing the point in doing, the good feeling the child had about his or her idea and her actions is spoiled.

Or does it happen only to me?

Köyhyys

Olen viimeaikoina miettinyt köyhyyttä. Kuinka se on niin subjektiivinen käsitys. Meidän köyhät on ihan eri asia kuin joidenkin toisten maiden köyhät. Tosin meiltäkin löytyy varmasti köyhiä, jotka ovat samalla viivalla muiden maiden köyhien kanssa.

Hiljattain paikallislehdessä oli juttua siitä, kuinka tässä kaupungissa köyhyydessä elävien lasten lukumäärä on jatkuvasti kasvanut. Se on toki huono asia ja huolestuttavaa. Jutussa kriteerinä köyhyydelle oli kuitenkin esimerkiksi se, että lapset eivät voi harrastaa maksullisia harrastuksia tai ei ole pelikoneita ja muuta teknologiaa samassa määrin kuin "kaikilla muilla". Ymmärrän, että on suuri rasite vanhemmille, jos ei pysty tarjoamaan lapsilleen kaikkea sitä, mitä muut pystyvät ja haluaisi tarjota. Mutta onko se kuitenkaan tarpeellista. Syrjäytyykö lapsi todellakin sen takia, ettei harrasta ja omista kuten muut. Vai syrjäytyykö sen takia, kuinka perhe itse asennoituu asiaan?

Ymmärrän, että tilanne on eri kuin omassa lapsuudessani. Koin, että olimme rikkaita. Ruokaa oli pöydässä riittävästi ja tavaroitakin joskus jonkun verran ostettiin. Nykymittapuiden mukaan emme kuitenkaan olleet edes varmaan keskituloisia. Ei autoa, ei juurikaan harrastuksia, maksullisia varsinkaan. Rahaa käytettiin harkiten, alennusmyyntejä koluten ja paljon itse tehden. Sitä yhtä ulkomaan lomamatkaa varten säästettiin rahaa vuosia. Koskaan ei ollut oloa, että jotain pitää saada, koska muillakin on. Onko kyse köyhyydestä vai yhteiskunnan asettamista vaatimuksista ns. hyvälle elämälle materiaalisten asioiden näkökulmasta?

Mitä ovat sitten ne perheet, jotka valitsevat olla ilman niitä asioita, joiden puuttumisen mukaan luokitellaan köyhäksi? Vaikka rahaa siihen kaikkeen olisi.

Köyhyys on ongelma, ja siihen pitää puuttua. Mutta köyhyyden määritelmä vain pohdituttaa. Joillain paikkakunnilla joulupuukeräyksessä köyhä perhe kirjoittaa lahjatoiveen lahjaan. Ymmärrän, että lapsi, jonka perheellä ei ole rahaa, haluaa voidessaan esittää toiveen toivoa sellaista, mistä tietää, ettei perhe voi sitä koskaan toteuttaa. Eli kalliita toiveita. Joita sitten jotkut ystävälliset ihmiset toteuttavat. Mielelläni myös osallistuisin tällaiseen (täällä onneksi toiveita ei lapuissa lue), mutta jos lapsen toive maksaa lähes 100 €, en siihen kykene. Varmaan se raha löytyisi, mutta kun omatkaan lapset eivät saa niin kalliita lahjoja, edes kokonaissummat eivät yllä siihen, on vaikea ymmärtää, miksi joku tarvitsee - kun oma perhe pärjää ilman.

Kuinka paljon köyhyyden ongelmaa ratkaistaessa pitäisi pyrkiä antamaan sitä mitä halutaan  - tai auttaa saamaan sitä mitä halutaan - ja kuinka paljon pyrkiä auttamaan olemaan tyytyväinen siihen, mitä on? Kun perustarpeet on tyydytetty.

Women and girls

Traditionally the image is that girls are the nice and quiet ones and boys are the rowdier ones. The ones how get into mischief and fights. We know the image has flaws and that generalisations don't work on individuals.

But what really is going on? Has women been in the past so suppressed that they haven't been able to express themselves as they have wanted. I'm sure in many ways that is the case. Or are women today adapting more menly ways to deal with things? Despite of what they actually are and how they naturally would react to things? If so, why?

Here women's use of alcohol has been increasing for the last 40 years, dramatically. In many subgroups (age often as the determination) men and women consume the same amount of alcohol. And we're not talking about moderate amounts. So has smoking increased among women.

Domestic violence is more often caused by women. Perhaps it has been about the same amounts before, but the shame has prevented men to report it more. Or perhaps not.

I don't know. When I think about my son's class, it's the girls who make trouble, not boys. The girls quarrel. That's what we're used to. But they also fight with fists. They kick. Recently a girl cut another girl's finger with scissors. The kid running away from school whenever, is a girl. The kids not doing their homework are girls. The kids going to see the headmaster are girls. Boys just play sports, do their homework and get good grades. And they're not the shy, reading type boys. They're active funloving boys you could imagine being the ones in trouble.

I know it's just one class. But I see it in other places and other forms too. I do worry about our girls in the society. I worry, that for some reason they feel not so good. I worry, that there is a reason for these phenomena. 

Fear

Fear tends to paralyze us. We don't function as well as we could or should. Thoughts often become irrational, unproportionate and very time and energy consuming. In worst cases fear in a way swallows us and all we can see and feel is the fear.

People tend to try to control the fear in various ways. It may be denying. It may be focusing on those things you can control. It may be taking steps to prevent the worst case scenario - which at times may be done by superstitious deeds. Sometimes people turn to God when facing fear. The feeling that there is someone greater than anything, can diminish the fear. Some say thus God is just an invention of the mind of insecure and fearful people.

I know it's not so. God is real. But if God would be only an invention of a mind, would it be so bad? Why would it be worse than other forms of fear control or other forms of seeking "feel good"? Why is faith in God attacked by many? Is it the thought of  a supreme being or is it caused by the acts of people, who claim to believe in God  -any God?

If we want people to think faith in God is a good thing, we need to show it is a good thing - a source for good in our lives. 

Usein me tehdään päätelmiä perustuen ulkoisiin asioihin. Uskoon ja uskontoonkin liittyvissä sisäisissä asioissa.

Jumaluuteen kuuluu Isä Jumala, Hänen poikansa Jeesus ja Pyhä Henki. Pyhä Henki on kuin sanansaattaja Jumalan ja ihmisen välillä. Sanotaan, että Jumala "puhuu" meille Pyhän Hengen kautta. Joskus se voi olla ajatuksia, jotka tulevat mieleen, joskus se voi olla tuntemuksia, joskus jotain muuta. Pyhän Hengen läsnäoloon yhdistetään hyvä olo ja rauhantunne. Usein siihen yhdistetään myös liikuttuneisuus. Usein se saattaakin sitä aiheuttaa - hyvä olo ja rauhantunne saa meidät liikuttuneiksi. Mutta toisinpäin se ei toimi. Kaikki liikuttuneisuus, itkuherkkyys ei suinkaan tarkoita Pyhän Hengen vaikutusta.

Muistin sen taas tänään. Poikani piti rukouksen ystävänsä kastetilaisuudessa. Hän itki rukoillessaan. Voin hyvin kuvitella jonkun ajatelleen tai jonkun voivan ajatella, että hän tunsi pyhän Hengen vaikutusta niin kovin, että hän oli liikuttunut. Todellisuus oli sitä, että häntä jännitti sen verran paljon, että itketti.

Ulkoa päin ei välttämättä tietäisi kummasta on kyse vaiko kenties jostakin muusta.

Uskovaisia usein syytetään sokeasta uskosta. Että tehdään ja totellaan ajattelematta asioita. Varmasti tällaisiakin uskovia on. Ja sitten on meitä, jotka pohtii, miettii, järkeilee ja silti päätyy tottelemaan. Koska kokee sen olevan oikein ja sitä mitä itse haluaa. Ulkoapäin ei voi tietää kummasta on kysymys.

Sama pätee kaikkiin meidän negatiivisiin arvioihimme ihmisistä. Joku käyttäytyy huonosti. Hänellä joko on siihen syy tai ei ole. Ulkoapäin ei voi tietää mikä johtaa kunkin ihmisen käytökseen. Edes silloin kun on niin lähellä kuin puoliso tai omat lapset.

Siksipä pitää vain oppia tulemaan toimeen. Kaikkien kanssa.

Why do we mothers do it? Do you?

On the way to Spain I sat next to a couple with a baby. Parents were past 30 and baby about 6 months.

It was horrible. No, not the baby, even though at times she cried. The mother. All the time telling the father how he is not capable of doing things. He kindly suggested walking on the aile with the baby- no you can't walk there, it's too narrow. Time to change the nappy, he offered to go and got a response that he would not be capable to do it in the toilet environment. For every single thing he was told that he would not be able to do it. Or that his suggestions were poor (I thought they were actually pretty good). And he was bossed around.

Let me tell you, it was just heartbreaking to listen to.

Mothers, let's respect, value and appreciate the fathers. Talk nicely. And let's let them do things. Otherwise they might not be around too long. I wouldn't, listening to that kind of attitude.

PS. I know this was one instances. Unfortunately I've heard it more often than once.

Kohtaamisia

Satuin rattaiden ja pienen pojan kanssa samaan hissiin kuin nuori mies - vaikea arvioida ikää, ehkä 15-vuotias - ja tummmaihoinen musliminainen. Nuori mies siinä höpötti jotakin, sanoi, että tilaa on kun kaksi jäi hissin ovien ulkopuolelle, puhui omiaan sen verran, että huomasi, ettei ihan keskivertokansalainen liene.

Hissistä poistuttuaan alkoi melkoisen värikästä kieltä käyttäen jollekin jotakin huudella - siis ei kuitenkaan oikeasti ihmisille vaan itsekseen manailla jotakin asiaa.

Myöhemmin samainen nuori mies tuli taas näköpiiriin kävellen rivakasti ja huudellen perässä kulkeville vartijoille, etteivät seuraisi häntä ja jättäisivät rauhaan.

Ja vielä kolmannen kerran törmäsimme saman hissin luona, kun kaksi poliisia sanoivat tulevansa hänen mukaansa sinne, mistä joku (hänen tuttunsa) oli tulossa häntä hakemaan.

En tiedä tarinaa nuoren miehen takana. En tiedä hänen kuntoaan, diagnoosiaan, vaarallisuuttaan taikka oliko hän kenties luvattomilla teillä. Enkä tiedä mitä tapahtui niinä hetkinä, jolloin emme olleet näkö- tai kuuloetäisyydellä.

Mutta jäin miettimään: kuinka paljon yhteiskuntamme hyväksyy ja kuinka paljon vain haluaa siirtää piiloon kaiken, mikä ei ole jonkun mielestä mieluisaa.

Mutta jäin miettimään.

A sweet moment

I was in the kitchen when the 5-year-old girl came and said: "Mum, I want to whisper something." She did. She told, teary eyed: " Once, when you were reading the Tinker Bell book with big sister in the living room, I took a candy and ate it."

My heart was bursting from an enormous amount of love. This sweet little girl had done something she knew she shouldn't have done, and all of a sudden, in the middle of the play, she decided to come and tell it. I told her how proud I was that she was so brave and courageous to come and tell it. And how I understood that it must have bothered her for quite a long time (some weeks perhaps). There was absolutely no need for even telling her she had done wrong or talk anything about the action itself. I just loved her, and showed it.

I think that's how it's going to be one day when we meet the Saviour, when we're repentant. Just a moment full of love and bonding.

Emotional rollercoaster

That's what you get when you have children.

I was reading a book which has a line on the book cover: "Hell is not knowing how to save your child."

I believe that to be true.

Yesterday we had agreed to pick up the 7-year-old from school. She was supposed to wait for us in a certain place, next to the parking lot, because we would get there a few minutes after the bell rings.

We get there and I cannot see the girl anywhere. I get up, walk around the school yard, try to look very carefully, but cannot find her. Ask the brother if he's seen her, which he hadn't. Once before in a similar situation she had forgotten and started walking home. So we drive to the next place where she might have thought we were supposed to meet. Not seeing her, but a friend with a mother, who tells that daughter did tell them she was going to be picked up. Driving back to school, still no sign of the girl. Walking around the school yard, checking all the places I could think of, inside the school house also. No sign of the girl...

For 40 minutes we drove around checking the places she would be walking if she had eventually decided to start walking home. I could not see where else she could be. Well, I was worried of course. All these warnings received from school about a black vehicle trying to catch kids by telling their parents had had an accident. I was a bit panicked for not being able to find her. All those things you think that might have happened. Even in this land of peace and quiet. Finally my phone rang and someone phoned from school. In two minutes I had the sobbing girl in my arms.

So what had happened? All this time she had been hiding on the school premises, near the parking lot, in a bush. I really cannot understand how she had not seen me on those more than two occasions I was walking around the school yard.

Why had she been hiding? Because she was afraid the teachers would be yelling at her to get inside if the bell rang before I came. Brother has confirmed that some of the teachers really yell and are horrible. But still. I would not have ever thought about looking into a bush.

She sat on my lap for a long time when we got home. We had a very good talk and things are ok. I believe, as she says, that the reason for hiding is what she said. No bullying or anything involved by other parties. But it was shocking to realize, that really, you can never know what happens. No matter how well prepared you think you are. And if things had been worse, hell is not knowing how to save your child.

This child is getting a phone as soon as possible and using her brother's until then.

Praying

Recently I've been praying for a friend with a challenge. This made me think of all the other times I've been praying for other people. Often so that they haven't known about it. There have been occassions I have prayed for a very specific things to happen and they have happend exactly as I've asked. Sometimes even some quite big things.

Not mentioning this to say that my prayers work. But it has made me wonder and be grateful for all those people who pray and have prayed for me. I am certain there have been times in my life when I've thought how nicely things work out or how the timing of some things have just been perfect. And it hasn't been just coincidence or the natural course of things, but due to the fact that someone has been praying for me, perhaps very specifically.

I believe that especially the prayers of parents affect our lives very much. Even sometimes when the parents claim they don't believe in God.

herkkiä hetkiä

Viimeaikoina meillä on juteltu siitä mistä lapset tulee. Tyttöjen kanssa, salaattiaineksia pilkkoessa. Myöhemmin juttu jatkui 7-vuotiaan kanssa erilaisista perheistä. Kun jossain perheessä on vähemmän lapsia ja jossain enemmän. Juteltiin siitä, että kaikki eivät halua lapsia tai kovin montaa lasta ja silloin lasten saamista pystyy estämään. Sekä siitä, että kaikki eivät saa lapsia, vaikka haluaisivat tai eivät niin monta kuin haluaisivat. Ja silloin, tai vaikka olisikin jo lapsia, jotkut haluavat ja voivat adoptoida lapsia, kuten muutamassa tuttavaperheessämme.

Tyttö alkoi itkeä kovin surullisena. Koska hän haluaa lapsia sitten isona, ja on niin kovin surullista ajatella, että ehkä ei saakaan, vaikka kuinka haluaa.

Hetki oli hellyyttävä, niin suuria tunteita.

Vaikka ymmärrän, että kaikki ihmiset eivät lapsia haluakaan, syystä tai toisesta, uskon, että se halu on jumalallista alkuperää ja jokaisessa olemassa jossakin vaiheessa. Ei pelkästään biologisena hormonitoimintana, vaan heijastuksena siitä totuudesta, että olemme Jumalan perhettä ja perhe on se muoto, jossa parhaimmassa tapauksessa voimme elää yhdessä Jumalan luona.

X -> Y tai sitten ei

Hiljattain tunsin hyvin vahvasti, että Jumala halusi minun tekevän asian X. Se voisi johtaa asiaan Y, joka olisi hyvä ja kehittävä asia, mutta kenties pelottava minulle heikkouksien omaavalle ihmiselle ja taatusti käytännöllisen toteutuksen suhteen haastava asia. Asia, jonka eteen tulisi nähdä vaivaa ja joka pakottaisi minut ylittämään itseni.

Asian X taikka Y tekeminen sinänsä ei ollut kuitenkaan mitenkään vastenmielistä vaan sellaista, joka olisi myös mukavaa. Ja jota voisin sanoa jopa haluavani, vaikken ollutkaan sitä koskaan aiemmin ajatellut. Varsinkin jos ei olisi niin haastavaa, koska aina mielelläni pääsisin sieltä missä aita matalin, ettei tarvitsisi kovasti ponnistella.

Tein asian X, mutta se ei johtanut asiaan Y, eikä johtanut oikeastaan juuri mihinkään. Vielä ainakaan.

Sellaiselle, joka ei usko Jumalaan, asia saattaa olla itsestään selvä. Jumala ei ole ollut mukana kuviossa millään tavalla. Halusin vain asiaa Y, tai ainakin tehdä asian X, joten tein sen ja keksin selityksiä - ulkoisen attribuution, jolla voin kenties tarvittaessa selittää epäonnistumista.

Sellaiselle, joka uskoo saattaa herätä kysymys: Miksi Jumala halusi minun tekevän asian X, vaikka se ei johtanut mihinkään? Joskus vastaus saattaa olla siinä, että kyseisen asian tekeminen avaa ovia johonkin muuhun kuin siihen, mihin kuvitteli sen johtavan. Joskus vastaus saattaa olla siinä, että asian tekeminen vain muuttaa omaa perspektiiviä, mikä on tarpeellista johonkin toiseen suuntaan lähtemiseen. Joskus vastaus saattaa olla, että Jumala olisi halunnut minun tekevän myös asian Y, mutta sitten muut ihmiset oman vapaan tahtonsa käytöllä estävät sen toteutumisen. Tai vastaus voi olla, että Jumala testaa olisiko oikeasti valmis tekemään sen, minkä Jumala haluaa, vaikka se olisikin epämukavaa tai haasteellista. Muttei kuitenkaan vaadi sen asian tekemistä.

Kaikesta huolimatta, se joka uskoo, vaikkei tietäisi vastausta, edelleen uskoo. Edelleen tietää, että Jumala tahtoi hänen tekevän asian X.

Ja se riittää.

I plead guilty

It's the constant battle. I know how to raise kids - I'm professional, both by education and by 9 years experience. I know the things you absolutely should not do, never ever. I know the things that aren't good to do. I know the things you should do. And the things you could do if you would like to steer to this direction or that.

Still, I do the things I know I never should. And those that aren't good. And don't do those I should nor all I could.

Yesterday was one of those days I did something I felt so horrible about. To this one sweet little girl. Some might say it's normal. Or that it's not bad at all. Or least not as bad as I feel.

But I know better. Better than to do such a thing. Especially to this girl. And why did I do it - because I was just so plain annoyed by things she did.

I feel guilty. Some might say don't. But that's one thing I feel strongly about. When you do wrong, you need to feel guilty. Especially if it has anything to do with your children. If you don't, if it doesn't bother you at all, soon you'll notice your downhill and how fast you are sliding. I rather feel guilty about small things than big things.

Besides. I have no ambitions really, though there are many things I'd like to do. But I do know I want to be a better mother today than I was yesterday and even better tomorrow.

All the indicators for being better (or worse) is all in the daily interactions with each child.

Looking forward to

This summer has just flown by. I had so many things in my mind what we would like to do with the kids. And had "scheduled" free, nothing to do time as well, because I think that too is extremely important. We managed to do many fun things we wanted to and have really enjoyed the summer.

But I'm also looking forward to the school and hobbies and all that busy life to begin. Even if it means going back and forth many times a day. I just get around to do so many more things when I'm "busy". If I have a block of 3 hours of unscheduled time I manage to do many things instead of having the whole day free to idle away.

A new school year, even if it's not mine, holds so many hidden promises about exciting future. You never know how much and what you are going to learn. You never know how many new friends will you make. You just don't know what great and fun things the future holds for you.

And that is exciting. Even when you get older. You never know.

Changing your brain

We play this game as a family when we're in the car. It's called mini-cheddar. If you see a Mini, you call mini and get a point. If you see a yellow car you call cheddar and get a point. If you see a yellow Mini you call mini-cheddar and get ten points and the game ends and you've won. If no one sees that, the one with most points when arriving to the destination wins.

We've been playing it for two months now. The result is that every time I drive the car on my own I keep noticing these yellow cars and Minis and say in my mind Mini or cheddar, though not really wanting to.

Just the mere doing it has wired my brain differently.

I wish I had enough desire to start looking for people I could help, where ever I am, and see my brain wired differently in a few months. So that it would be automatic. But it would mean I really would have to do something about it then, go and help. I wish I desired it enough.

Perhaps one day.

I read a good book

This one: The Help

http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/4667024-the-help

Talks about black servants in Mississippi in 1960's. I really enjoyed the book. It made me think how much the world really has changed in so little time. I hope most of the changes are good. I know there is still prejudice, intolerance and many kinds of hardships black people face in many places in the world. I know many others face similar things in many places. But still, the world has changed for the better.

There are things that seem to get worse, though. More and more people are lonely, for different reasons. The saddest thing is to be lonely when surrounded by people. We keep networking via various means, but often people don't really connect. Not enough to share those things that matter the most.

Luckily that is something we can change. Face to face, one people at a time.

I do not understand

Recently I had a discussion with a man about a certain country's president, his doings abroad and about their foreign politics. A lot of it had to do with armed forces. He is a good God fearing man. I cannot understand his views. I hear what he says, I see the reasoning behind it and how he comes to the conclusions he does, but I cannot in my heart understand him - how can he believe the way he does.

I know he does not understand me any better. He hears the reasoning but cannot believe I or others think the way we do. Or cannot understand that our view is not necessarily any more wrong or right than his.

There are many things I don't understand. I don't understand how many good people think slapping a child is not wrong. I don't understand why some people dress the way they do. I don't understand why someone supposedly in their right mind goes for example to eastern countries and do things that are not right under any circumstances. It's easier to understand when people we have for a reason or another labeled bad do things we think are not right or so good. But when people who we think are or at least should be good do things that are not right or good (according to our jugdment) , it's hard for us to understand. Or is it actually just hard to accept?

Because it reminds us that no matter how good we try to be, we - me - do make mistakes and choose to do things that are wrong, even those someone else may think are just horrible and they cannot understand how on earth we can do such a thing.

Luckily - for everyone - there is someone who does understand and someone who can erase all those mistakes and wrong doings from our lives. Judge not that thou shalt not be judged.

Älä älä älä älä lällällää

Ostin kirpparilta Ipanapan cd:n. Lapsilla heti omat lempparit ja niin äidilläkin. Ja yksi joka iski:

http://www.emi.fi/jukebox/play/610/lastenhuoneen_kapina

Meillä lapset saa tehdä paljon. Olohuoneessa saa juosta, pelata futista ja sählyä. Sohvilla saa pomppia, paitsi niillä, jotka on lainassa. Mukiin saa kaataa itse maitoa, vaikka purkki on täynnä. Omenoita saa kuoria itse. Askarrella saa niin paljon kuin haluaa, vaikka siitä tuleekin mieletön sotku.

Toki on asioita, joita ei saa tehdä. Kappaleen myötä tajusin, että sanon kyllä usein älä. Useammin kiertäen kuin suoraan älä - meillä syödään suu kiinni, kiitos. Ongelmalliseksi asian tekee se, että kohteena on useinmiten se yksi lapsi, joka niitä kaikkia ei toivottuja asioita tekee. Mitä hän siis vanhemmiltaan kuulee, kaiken sen sallitun lisäksi? Laulun sanoin: Älä älä älä älä lällällällää. Miten musertava sanoma itsetunnolle! Minä olen huono, vain minulle sanotaan "koko ajan", minä en osaa "mitään" tehdä oikein...

Miksi on itsestään selvää, että puolisolle ei nalkuteta. Kuka olisi niin hölmö, että nalkuttaisi - sillä ei saa mitään hyvää aikaan ja se on tavattoman tehotonta. Miksi sitä sitten tekee lapselle sen varjolla, että täytyyhän ne asiat oppia. Ihan yhtä tehotonta.

Meillä ruvettiin tekemään parannusta.